THE NEW YOU

Feeling out of control of your life and despairing of ever been able to return to who you were is a massive ‘down’ and I think that this is the area were, for my own part, most work is needed. The ’you’ you were does not exist. The new you has replaced it. And, the new you is not just a physical new you, it seems to me to be also a mental one. Learning to live with it is the challenge. But it can be a big one.

Describing each and all the emotions, thoughts, feelings, and experiences encountered is nearly impossible. Each person will approach, encounter, and deal with their own scene, differently. And this is good. To be able to describe my personal journey, and then intimate that this is what you will encounter, would be wrong. But, as the aim of this site is to portray one persons experience, I will try to put things more plainly.

My expectations from the surgery majored on ‘the new me’. This is as it had been described to me before the operation. Everything following the surgery would be on the ‘up’ from then onwards. And, indeed, that is really the case in so much as the angina pains have now gone, and this is the main thing. Also, having new clear arteries must give me a better chance of living longer than was the scenario five months ago. I am indebted to everyone involved in making sure I reached this stage.

When I am wearing my ‘up’ face, the world looks a good place. I can visualise doing much more and enjoying doing things not possible when I was an angina sufferer. I wear this face for probably 75% of the time.

The other 25% of my life is taken up with thoughts, moods, and feelings which I dislike. I do understand that this is exactly how it was described it could possibly be. No-one can guarantee that they will escape the ‘down’ days. But I also understand and trust, that these will pass with time.

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‘Down’ days have many forms. There are various things which can contribute to them. Such as :-

*A still painful leg and tender area on the chest.

*Pains stabbing at you and discomfort especially when turning over or getting out of bed.

*Fragmented sleep and the wandering about the house throughout the night searching for some.

*Losing breath some days when only the day before you had been fine.

*Feeling low also when you had been high only twenty four hours earlier.

*Not being able to walk as far as you could only the day before.

*The mood swing with which comes a short fuse to your temper.

I know that whilst I am thankful for the second chance the experts have given me, and for which I will be eternally grateful, the healing process is not just the wounds and body inside and out, but it means work inside the head. To be able to accept that your boundaries have moved, and you are not able to do things in the same way as you could, is the target.

Learning to live with the new you may be the hardest part of the whole scene. But, as I slowly improve, I do feel that this is achievable. It is certainly my target, but along the way, the road has bumps. My own personal wall was high. I feel that I have climbed it and now need to land on the other side cleanly, dodging the obstacles on my own piece of the earth.

Yes, days can be different. Uppers and downers are all part of the recovery. I was only prepared for this in a small way. I hope that this knowledge helps anyone reading this.

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